MysidiaDrakkenbane

And like any job where there is marketing involved, you'll get interesting stories.

Marketing anything is stressful enough, but because we market "humans" to companies, it's especially hard. Simply because humans do not have a basic "standard" to go by. You can pick up a stapler or a pencil and have an idea of what its supposed to do and how its supposed to function, but with humans, there are always minor indescrepincies as with anyone. In other words: no two humans are alike.

I won't name the company I work for, since I've posted many a rant on other messageboards (including my own livejournal) and I can be quite graphic in my descriptions. I will tell you, however, that I've had some interesting people walk through my door.

We have a program that we run with the State of New Jersey (where I'm from). It's called "Back To Work" program, and its to help people get off of welfare and unemployment and back on their feet. In theory, it's a great program and it looks really good on paper. But you have to understand that not everyone WANTS to go back to work and they will deliberately sabotage their interview so that they can remain on unemployment and welfare.

I've compiled a list of things that SHOULD BE common knowledge of what not to do on an interview, but that I've seen anyway. Yes, I have witnessed all of these. Pity me.

What Not To Do When Applying For A Position:

1. If there is a spot on the application that says "Have you ever been convicted of a felony", DO NOT LIE. There is a good chance that background checks will be done and if you are caught lying, you will be terminated from your position that we place you on. Also, it would be wise of you not to have any outstanding warrants when the background checks are done.

2. Low cut dresses without bras and your tattoo hanging out. If you do have a tattoo of anything, please make sure we can tell what the hell it was on point of skin contact and not have us staring at it trying to piece together what the Ghetto Picaso is supposed to be.

3. It’s probably a general rule of thumb that if you graduate the 8th grade, oh…say 20 years ago, you really shouldn’t be shopping in the junior section of any department store. Especially when it looks like the seams of your clothing are screaming at you to “DEAR GOD, PLEASE… MERCY KILL ME!” I’m not saying that heavy people aren’t beautiful, but wearing tight and skimpy probably isn’t the route you’d like to go, unless you were crowned Queen of the Swap Meet. It is considered an extreme faux pas if you do this while on an interview with a corporate office.

4. The expression “She’s wearing white after Labor Day?” really doesn’t hold water anymore. Wearing a black bra under your white gauze top, however, does. No one understands more than I, about waiting to do laundry last minute. But please, for the love of God, if you don’t have a white bra to wear, please do not substitute your black bra for that cute little white top. At least, not here.

5. Just because it’s the end of the week doesn’t mean you should wear a button down shirt and a pair of khakis. And please *shakes head* don’t wear white socks with your loafers. It’s not okay to do this when you’re a man. It’s DOUBLY not okay for you to do this if you’re a woman.

6. Gangsta is never a good first impression. Ever.

7. While although it might seem that these guidelines are in fact, superficial, it’s not okay for you to show up representing our company in sandals, jeans, and a t-shirt then proceed to tell our client that you refuse to work for a place that is that fascist and shallow to judge you on how you’re dressed. Congratulations, you’ve just shit the bed. What do you plan to do now?

8. It’s nice that you want to present yourself as a clean cut and hygienic individual. You do NOT need to marinate in your cologne to the point where it saturates my papers at my desk. And if its so thick that I have to ask you what you’re wearing, and it’s something my husband in fact wears, you have way too much on because it’s not only distorting my vision through the fumes, but my sense of smell too. Cortization of the nostrils through cologne. Who knew?

9. Please don’t get offended with me if I mistake you for a man over the phone. A pack and a half an hour is a bit much and I really think you should consider your health and slow it down a bit. Bonnie Tyler’s voice can be sexy. Dirty man pedophile voice is not.

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Calthine

Oh, that was good

The cologne bit reminds me of a neighbor I had who was playing her music so loud I could hear lyrics - clearly. I beat on her door and said "Juice Newton, Angel of the Morning? Can you turn it down, I don't feel like a sing-along today."

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Calthine

EQ2 Allakhazam Senior Community Manager

Malachani

LOL! I don't know how you do it! I thought about going to work for one of those agencies, but I don't hide my emotions well, and people would know when I found them completely offensive.

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MysidiaDrakkenbane

I find myself wearing a WTF look more often than not.

I should do a post about my quirks on phone etiquette. I think everyone should be given a test before getting on a phone or internet, like a driving test, and if you don't pass, you can't use it.

Phone Etiquette/Quirks
1. Don't fucking eat your lunch when you're talking to me. I don't want to hear your fat fucking pig jowls jammin' down on that sammie you bought for lunch. I really don't care to hear you chew your reguritated cud, thanks.

2. When I ask "who's speaking?", I don't want to hear "Is she there or not". Just answer the fucking question. Do you really think I want to talk to you? Do you seriously think that I want to keep you on the phone any longer than you have to be on? You are NOT that special to me. Fuck off.

3. You have two options. Voice mail or call back. No, we don't place you on hold. We don't have that many lines coming into the company (I work for a small office). When I tell you "I'm sorry, I don't know when they will be done with their phone call", I'm not fucking lying to you. Don't give me attitude over the phone. Yeah, like you giving me tude is going to make me fucking do my job better, fuckbag.

4. When I tell you that its your recruiter you need to speak to, asking me if you can be put to someone else does not automatically place you on someone elses case load. If ABC is your recruiter, ABC is who you speak to.

5. If by the third time the recruiter says to you "I'm sorry, we just don't have any jobs open that fits your skill set." Take a fucking hint. Giving me an attitude over the phone about you not getting a job does not POOF make new jobs come out of thin air. I really don't care about your problems. Seriously. I have 200 other temps to worry about. And you yelling at me telling me how much of a sham the company I'm working for is, even though we're a multibillion dollar company, does absolutely jack and shit about what I think about this place. It does, however, paint a lovely picture of how much I think you're an annoying twat and nothing would make me happier than using the sidewalk like a cheese grater for your face. It also paints an even better picture of why you're jobless.

6. Don't give me an attitude when I have to ask you 30 SPECIFIC questions about what you're looking for. You calling up and just saying "Do you have any jobs" tells me fuckall of what you can do. BE FUCKING SPECIFIC. Do I have any jobs? No. I just sit here and fucking collect dust becoming part of the fixtures around here. In fact, I turn away candidates because we're going bankrupt. I'm just here to enjoy the lighting. Here's your fucking sign, douchebag.

7. Great, I'm glad you're telling me that you're calling back ABC and that they wanted you to call back, but when I tell you they're not in the office... I'm not shitting you. They really aren't here. And don't magically think that I know you're calling from XYZ company, because I don't. Do you realize how many clients we have? If you are calling from a company, please state at least some of the following: "Hi, my name is ... and I'm calling from..." I'm NOT Miss Cleo and my fucking crystal ball is in the shop. THANKS.

AT&T is a fucking liar. I cannot reach out and touch someone. Nor can I chokeslam, curbstomp, choke, slap, eye gouge, spit, flick off, or backhand someone, either. FALSE FUCKING ADVERTISING!

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Kiara

RadarX

Lol...that was awesome. I'm totally entertained, thank you Mysidia. I used to run a crew of Temps in a call center and yeah...we tossed out a number of them for a few of the things you mentioned.

LFG

Nice post.

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MysidiaDrakkenbane

I have to rant about it this way, or I'd go insane. I'm glad I got a few laughs out of it, and not just for myself. ;)

And you can send me your resumes. I can probably bet that you'd be 110% better than what I've mentioned here.

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shoe

miss cleo lives in plantation, florida. i'll go see if i can get you her crystal ball?
btw she drives a pos mustang, those law suits must have really pwned her.
:D

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Originally Posted by LFG
The problem is, I don't know how to cook, and have never used a stove. If I can't buy it in a restaurant, have it delivered to my door, or served through the window of my vehicle, I don't eat.

Usildor

I work for AT&T. I showed this to my supervisor. He apologizes for your inconvenience and we'd be glad to help. Unfortunately this feature is not scheduled for instalation in your area until 2008. We will make every effort to make this as fast a translation as possible. We will also be blocking your number from calling our offices. :p

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