funny everquest stories....

Swippe · 08-11-2008, 01:21 PM

i remember a couple years there were these super stupid funny stories about eq, i cant remember where i saw them or whatever, the one that i really remember is the kid goes to a concert gets in a fight trys to feign death gets his ass kicked gets pissed at his friend for not nuking.... anyone know what im talking about and where to find these stories?

Cheddah · 08-11-2008, 08:50 PM

Found this one, was pretty good.... a little long but I got a laugh out of it.

Everquest ruined my life - Sgt. Duke's story

6 hours left... I'll pass the time with another stupid popo story. Kinda long --

MMORPGs are taking over the world.

After serving on the 5th floor (maximum security wing) of the Lafayette Parish Correctional Center for probably 2 years, I was finally transferred to Intake / Booking. It was like going from shoveling shit to spreading fertilizer, not much different, but still more prestigious. Although I was still under command of the housing division, I now had a couple of new supervisers to deal with. One of them was Sgt. Jason Duke.

Imagine the guy in high school who had long hair and headbanged to Metallica all day. He had that funny walk, half limp / half pimp. Take that guy and give him a military style crew-cut and throw on a pair of boot camp-style glasses and you have my sergeant. He was probably 6'2", 180 lbs. when soaked. He didn't look like much, but he could kick your ass in a heartbeat.

Before becoming a cop, he'd been a car stereo installer at Ricky Smith Audio. He had some kind of degree in electrical work from a small technical college. He even built his own computers, buying individual parts off the net or in catalogs. (sure, not a big deal for Uber users... but a cop?) I'm also pretty sure he had some kind of ATI fetish because he would actually get mad at me when I talked about my old GeForce.

Somehow the topic of Sony's 'Everquest' came up one day... that was one can of worms I should have fucking left closed.

Sgt. Duke didn't stop talking about his level 79 (or whatever the fuck) Half-Elf Ranger for the next two years. I played once a week, at most, but this guy was on every fucking night. If we worked shift from 6a-6p, he was on by 7:30. He was into it, bad. When he was at work, his wife played. I'm not sure if they even had actual sex anymore, or if they just emoted it.

One night at around 3:45am we had a black female, about 24 years old, come in on a prostitution charge. The city officer who brought her in had used OC on her (pepper spray) and she was really riled up. I was finishing up a basic medical screening on her when Sgt. Duke came and sat next to me. He started the process of collecting property.

"Ma'am, you are going to have to remove your rings."

She just looked at him.

"Ma'am, you need to remove your rings, you are not allowed to take them into the holding cell."

"Fuck you ***** I ain't takin off shit!" So, she was a sweetheart. Time to have some fun...

"Ma'am, if you'd like I can get you some hand lotion to help remove the rings, but I can't allow you to enter the cell with anything of value." I explained this as calmly as I could.

"Bitch, I don't need no fuckin lotion I ain't takin this shit off." I started to see why she got sprayed.

I figured we could get to the rings after she calmed down a bit, so I moved on to the next step; signing the medical release (which only stated that whatever she told me about her medical history was in her best knowledge truthful).

Sgt. Duke was still sitting next to me at this point, positioned in between myself and the female, who was now refusing to sign the paperwork.

"I ain't signin that shit ***** I ain't did shit!"

By this point I was pretty pissed off. "Ma'am, this is not an admission of guilt, this is just your medical screening. If you don't sign this we can't complete your booking and you are going to sit it that holding cell until you sign it. You can't bond out, you can't use the phone, and you are gonna eat shitty bag lunches. I don't care if you stay in there for a week, you are going to sign this paper."

I stood up and handed her medical screening form to the clerk behind the barred windows next to me. "Stamp this 'incomplete' and tell the judge she is refusing to be processed."

With the mention of the word 'judge', our fiesty black friend jumped up and reached for the paper, attempting to grab it out of my hand. Sgt. Duke and his half-elf ranger to the rescue...

With lightning speed, he stood up and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her away from me and towards the wall. "Don't you EVER raise your hand to one of my deputies!" he yelled at her as he brought her hands behind her back and tugged her towards the property room sink. I shook the amazement off of my face and rushed towards them, grabbing her by the arm to keep Sgt. Duke from slamming her into another wall.

"And you are GOING to take these rings off, or I'm going to CUT them off!" He frantically turned the faucet on and scrubbed her hands with soap, working the rings off in the process.

I could have sworn I saw him smiling.

With the rings off, he practically dragged her back to the screening table and sat her down in the seat. "Are you gonna sign this paper or not?"

"Yeah. Fuck." she said, accepting the pen from my sergeant and scribbling her name on the form. He escorted her to the cell and slammed the door behind her.

"What the fuck was that sarge?" I asked, unsuccesfully trying to hide my laughter.

"I lost my +52 Dragonskin breastplate last night, and I can't find one at the bazaar." He was dead fucking serious.

I lost it. I stumbled down the hallway, tears streaming from my eyes, laughing hysterically. Drunken inmates were watching me through the plastic windows, dumbstruck. Sgt. Duke could never figure out why I was laughing.

Fast forward two years... This morning I'm sitting at my desk auditing yesterday's shipping charges when my manager comes over to shoot the bull.

"How was your weekend?" he asked me, staring down at his nails.

"OK I guess, why?"

"I bought a computer game for my kid for Easter, but I haven't given it to him yet, I've been playing it all weekend. I think I'm going to buy him another copy and give it to him for his birthday."

"You spent all weekend playing a computer game you bought for your son?" My head was filled with questions until he laid my mind to rest with four simple words:

"Ever heard of Everquest?"

Faabio · 08-11-2008, 09:15 PM

On Thanksgiving morning last year, Shawn Woolley shot himself to death at his apartment in Hudson. His mother blames the game for her son's suicide. She is angry that Sony Online Entertainment, which owns EverQuest, won't give her the answers she desires. She has hired an attorney who plans to sue the company in an effort to get warning labels put on the games.

"It's like any other addiction," Elizabeth Woolley said last week. "Either you die, go insane or you quit. My son died."

In the virtual world of EverQuest, players control their characters through treasure-gathering, monster-slaying missions called quests. Success makes the characters stronger as they interact with other players from all over the real world.

In west Philadelphia born and raised. On the playground was where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school. When a couple of guys. Who were up to no good. Startin making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

She has a list of names her son scrawled while playing the game: "Phargun." "Occuler." "Cybernine." But Woolley is not sure if they are names of online friends, places he explored in the game or treasures his character may have captured in quests.

Meta · 08-11-2008, 09:23 PM

I just checked those names on eqplayers. Hits for Occuler and Cybernine, but nothing outstanding and on they're on different servers.

I don't know why I did that.

Pwnstrrr · 08-12-2008, 04:24 AM

Faabio that was a weak bel-air IMO but nice IRL reference

Not the same idea as Cheddah but here we go

Quote:

Originally Posted by SacDaddy

HAI GUSY

so I was walking through Wal-Mart looking for the really soft kinda toilet paper (cuz I live like a king), when I noticed there was only one package of SuperSoft Charmin left on the shelf, and this hot ass bitch was about to take it. So I ran to the freezer section hella quick and grabbed a bag if ice.
I shouted ICE NOVA BITCH! and threw it at her. knocking her to the ground. The Charmin was mine.

All this was witnissed by 2 even hotter chicks, who were twins. They came up to me and was all "omg...we have to fuck"

And I was like. CALL ME SACDADDICUS, BITCHES

and after the deed was done we all sat around smokin the hookah and I thought to myself......I thought...

Hey roleplayers, thanks.

Pwnstrrr · 08-12-2008, 04:32 AM

I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.

Pink Poodle · 08-12-2008, 04:50 AM

Anyone else remember the Mystere fanfic?

Thundaarr · 08-12-2008, 08:44 AM

No, but I remember skatergnome !

ok, so like im in the commons east last night and im having
some ice craem and getting my determination up to go crazyman
and finish level 5.
so i see this skeleton and he runs over to me and hits me and
then laughs at me. so like theres no way im gonna put up with
that, so im attack him.

well im standing there fighting, and this monk named siegert
walks up to me and hes like 'what are you doing?'

and im like 'wtf dude im killing this dumb skele dont KS me'

i don't even know what KS means, but everyone tells me to stop
doing it alot so i think it has something to do with
roleplaying

so he's like 'why aren't you attacking it?'

WTF?!?

so im like 'dude, i am attacking it, look at this sweet ninja
kicking action, are you blind'

so im clicking kick as fast as i can so this stupid monk will
see that i can fite good and leeve me alone.

so then he's like 'skaterr, press the A key'

so i say 'A'

and hes like 'no, don't say it, just press it'

so I tell siegert 'A'

and hes like 'your kinda retarded arent you? just press the A
key'

so im like 'ok dude but this is the last favor i ever do for
you'

so i press A

well all of the sudden i start swinging with my fists and
punch the skele and it dies reely fast!

and im like 'OMG DUDE YOU ARE SO RULE!!'

and hes like 'how is it possible that you've gotten to level 5
without knowing about auto attack?'

and im like 'whats autoattack???'

and hes like 'its what you were just doing when you pressed A'

and im like 'ohh is it an exploit, cause i wont tell on you if
you dont tell on me'

and he stops for a second and hes looking at me and hes
like 'your amazing'

and im like 'ya i know im almost level 6'

and hes like 'lucky for you i came along'

and im like 'ya dude you are the rulest'

so he leaves and im all excited, so i give j-mo a call on the
phone.

and he like 'hello'

and im like 'dude i just got sooooo lucky!'

and hes like 'sweet bro!! with who?'

and im like 'this guy named siegert'

and hes like 'WTF?!?!'

and im like 'ya this monk guys showed me how to exploit the
game with autoattack'

and j-mo's like 'oooooooh, i thought... nevermind'

and im like 'ya dude it rules i can kill pretty much anything
in the game now'

and hes like 'umm, wait a sec dude, you're telling me you
didn't ever know about auto attack?? how the hell did you ever
get to level 5?'

and im like 'DUDE WTF WHY DO PPL KEEP ASKING ME THAT, IM A
MONK!!!'

and hes like 'ya how could i forget, the sweet ninja kicking
action right?'

and im like 'thats right'

so i hang up and then i start wondering why the hell my
brother never told me about the autoattack exploit.

so i go running over to his room, and im banging on the door
and im like 'MIKE!'

and he opens the door a crak and sticks his head out and hes
whispers 'SSsssshhh! dude shut-up! i cant talk right now im
getting lucky!'

so then i realized that that he must be learning about
autoattack right now too, so theres no way he could have told
me about it.

i celebrated with some ice cream.

Xennon · 08-12-2008, 12:45 PM

Anyone able to find the Burning Woods story?

Had me rolling.

Rinion · 08-12-2008, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xennon

Anyone able to find the Burning Woods story?

Had me rolling.

This one?

Quote:

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ ****, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a **** about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me ****"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "***"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east ***???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner

Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "***? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.