THIS IS PRETTY LONG. I have done my very best to relate my experiences with OLARA the sandy-vaged warden ACCURATELY and (sort-of) objectively. (SANDY-VAGED is a FACT). I have turned this into an EPIC STORY to set the mood. I want ya'll to experience this WITH ME. THE LOGS are the REAL LOGS. A good friend of mine LAWRS--annurra on the forms--has written a program to parse the SHIT out of the eq logs and make them more readable.
SO I GO TO THE EMPEROR'S FABLED CITY OF AWESOME EXPERIMENTS with this sweet little PUG. THE GUY who makes the group is looking for DPS / HEALS. I'm an acrobatic little arasai brigand with EMO hair and BATWINGS so I send the bro a tell:
I wait a second. I'm impatient and EXCITED because people don't often make groups for MR. TREBES FANTASTIC CITY and I'm pretty disappointed when he tells me:
Jakonis tells you, "just picked up a dirge looking for some mage dps (chanter)"
SO I CHILL IN OUR SWEET GUILD HALL OFF THE ANTONICA DOCKS for a bit. I'm just hanging out when I catch the bro spamming level chat again:
Jakonis tells Level_70-79 (1), "Korsha then Evernight seeking 1 DPS 1 DPS/Healer PST!"
I send him another tell, cause I REALLY wanna go roll over on some of TREBES BITCHES:
You tell Jakonis, "so you dont want the brig? your still lf dps :-P"
HE wants to know if I'm FABLED or MYTHICALED and I tell him that I have my myth. HE invites me, WERE OFF!
THIS IS WHEN IT BECOMES INTERESTING!
I start heading over to THE JUNGLE OF NASTHAR. Not a full group yet. I'm anxious to check everyone's gear since it's a PUG. And while I know I am not the GREATEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD as I like to think that I am, I am aware that I tend to draw aggro from little whiny ass tanks that don't raid.
The group isn't full. WE HAVE:
JAKONIS: necromancer, pretty good gear, mythical, praetor's guard, etc... Seems to be a chill-ass bro, he invited me to the group and I think I like him.
OLARA: Warden, who I notice is in the same guild as JAKONIS and probably has the same calibur of gear. Not so worried about her and I don't know JACK SHIT about healers because I've never played one and have very little interest in them. I don't inspect her shit. Don't want to seem like a PERV or anything, you know.
WEDNNESDAY: DIRGE, I like him. I know him (not personally) but I've grouped with him regularly enough to know that he knows wtf is up. He has runnyeye cloak and I remember that because I AM FILLED WITH SEETHING ENVY everytime I group with him. MY CLOAK is gimped. Check me out on eq2players. It's seriously lame.
RALISTAN: SK. No idea who he is. SK's are teh pwn. I love everything about them. HE is relogging as I zone into NASTHARIAN SWAMP LANDS and JAKONIS says:
Jakonis says to the group, "rali is rebotting to clear lag"
and a few minutes later continues:
Jakonis says to the group, "rali needs to hurry the fux up"
Hairball says to the group, "lmao!"
Jakonis says to the group, "if he wasn't raid geared I'd replace him"
(RAID GEAR = NO WORRIES)
WHO IS HAIRBALL THOUGH?
Hairball is the 6th member of our adventuring party who has joined while our tank is relogging. HAIRBALL is a FURY.
NOW I WILL ADMIT that I am far from an expert on group makeup.
FOr example, I peer-pressured JAKONIS into letting me join his sweet PUG even after he told me that he needed MAGE DPS. I thought, "prolly right, since THE FUN-FILLED CITY OF KORSHA requires uber mages for the FINAL MOB, but I WANT TO GO THERE ANYWAY" and then sent him my 2nd tell. I do, however, know that warden + fury in the same group is not the most successful duo of healers.
I REASONED with myself shortly after HAIRBALL THE FURY joined the group, and thought "Maybe the fury will be doing INCREDIBLE dps the entire zone while the FANTASTIC warden HEALS our tank." I also thought, briefly, "I will have a dedicated healer so I dont MURDER my own self violently with my THIRSTY CHOCKER WHICH BLEEDS.
***DISCLAIMER: this STORY will contain conversations which occured over IN GAME VOCAL CONVERSATIONS CHAT. I had no way of knowing that I should RECORD these conversations for later use, or else I would have. I did not particapate in voice chat very much. I don't tend to when I am with unfamiliar people. I will attempt to capture voice chat as accurately and objectively as possible. I am merely a JOURNALIST with ethics and other things***
WE ZONE INTO MR. ATREBES SECRET LABORATORY and begin to fight a lot of skeletons.
JAKONS remarks:
Jakonis says to the group, "man i dunno if this is gonna cut it guys"
Jakonis says to the group, "bwahahahaha jk"
because we are OWNING all of the mobs so swiftly and accurately that we feel the zone might COLLAPSE upon itself due to FEAR;
here is a parse which I shared with our group, and now share with you. You may make of it what it will. KEEP IN MIND that I have not yet claimed, nor will I ever claim, to be very good. Ask my guildies, I SUCK EXTRAORDINARILY SMALL penises, very regularly.
You say to the group, "an Atrebite researcher: 22653.06 [Ralistan-slash-10208]"
You say to the group, " Posh (10956.44)"
You say to the group, " Rali (4460.63)"
You say to the group, " Wedn (4186.81)"
You say to the group, " Jako (3049.19)"
You say to the group, " Hair (0.00)"
You say to the group, " Olar (0.00)"
You say to the group, "damn"
PRIOR to the first named fight, OLARA speaks in voice chat and asks:
"Ralistan is MT?"
"Yes" some one responds.
SHE THEN ASKS IN VOICE CHAT:
"Is he wearing paper armor?"
No one says much of this. We continue fighting. WE PWN THE FIRST NAMEDS FACE. WE descend into the lower levels of the FABLED CITY of the EMPERORS LABORATORY and fight some more skeletons and things.
OLARA PERISHES. She dies instantly. JAKONIS CASTS A RESURRECTION SPELL and she is alive again. Thank god. SHE SAYS over voice chat:
"LOW ON MANA GUYS"
to which I respond:
"YOU'RE A WARDEN."
what I meant, was "YOU HAVE A SWEET MYTHICAL WEAPON, and this sweet MYTHICAL WEAPONS prevents your pool of power from ever disappearing."
I do not know if she understood this statement or not. We continue nearly silently until we reach the room of the final named encounter. WE effortlessly clear the room and all run up the stairs to HIDE in MR. ATREBES FABLED BOOKSHELF NOTCH TO FIGHT HIM FROM.
Olara says over voice chat: "WE usually fight him on the other side"
Someone tells her it shouldn't really matter and she sounds bothered:
"WE can try him over there but YESTERDAY when this zone was the DAILY DOUBLE we fought him on the other side."
I thought: "obviously you dumb cunt, it doesn't fucking matter." but I didn't say anything, because I don't believe that ladies appreciate being called CUNTS. YOU SEE, my opinion of OLARA THE INCREDIBLE SWEET WARDEN began to CHANGE when I inspected her midway throug the zone, and learned that in her MAIN HAND she had a
\aITEM 1374022490 1617201887:magic imbued ebony wand\/a equipped. Rather than the wardens incredible NEVER ENDING POOL OF MANA (aka, BITE OF THE WOLF). NOT EVEN THE FABLED VERSION.
I got a little bit mad. If i had a fabled weapon instead of my mythical weapon, I don't believe JAKONIS would have allowed me to join this daring cohort of adventurers.
WE pull the encounter and wipe INSTANTLY. We assess our situation, regroup, discuss our leet strats:
Jakonis says to the group, "haha"
Jakonis says to the group, "pwned"
Hairball says to the group, "Hit Hit Hit "
Hairball says to the group, "use Mage Pet!"
Jakonis says to the group, "gotta take him off melee lol"
Hairball says to the group, "ya!"
Hairball says to the group, "no Meelee!!!!!"
Jakonis says to the group, "understood"
Jakonis says to the group, "kk retry hehehe"
You say to the group, ":-/"
Jakonis says to the group, "30 seconds on sick"
Jakonis says to the group, "gtg here"
WE TRY AGAIN, and WIPE!
OLARA, OVER VOICE CHAT, SAYS:
"WE should try it on the other side."
We try it once more from our initial book-nook and WIPE!
WE chatter some more and I begin to suggest some things:
Olara says to the group, "now can we [try the other side]?"
Hairball says to the group, "nope"
Jakonis says to the group, "think the other side makes a diff?"
Olara says to the group, "yes"
Hairball says to the group, "i uassly do it on this side"
You say to the group, "you just need to not suck and kill him"
You say to the group, "either side is alright"
You say to the group, "YOU'RE IN MY SPECIAL CIRCLE NOW Wednnesday!"
Hairball says to the group, "first time i ever done it it took like 10 tries"
You say to the group, "YOU'RE IN MY SPECIAL CIRCLE NOW Wednnesday!"
Jakonis says to the group, "No melee whatsoever?"
You say to the group, "dude, you're a necro"
You say to the group, "what kind of melee do you do?"
Jakonis says to the group, "I have swarms..."
You say to the group, "cast your crazy mage pet"
Jakonis says to the group, "its cast."
You say to the group, "and then use some DOTS"
You say to the group, "and then cast CRAZY LIFEBURN till its dead"
WE DIE AGAIN! OMG THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS so we heed Olara's suggestion and switch SIDES.
I didn't know this, but there is a SECRET BOOKSHELF AREA on the other side too! OMG we all crawl in and OLARA announces over voice chat:
"I meant over here, in the corner."
She is standing near the small CABINET which you may click to receive a house item. We follow her:
Jakonis says to the group, "what happens if I open the cabinet?"
You say to the group, "you get FACE pwnd"
You say to the group, "by a NANI!"
The cabinet then VANISHES and Olara, now audibly angry and annoyed, says over voice chat:
"That was nice of you to ask if anyone else wanted it."
I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME. I didn't tell her that, but I also didn't think she was directing that statement towards me. Maybe she was. I may NEVER KNOW. I, do, however state:
You say to the group, "i meant FACE PWND BY OLARA"
LOL. GOd i am so FUCKING FUNNY! Can you believe I said that? I had a good lul to my self and so did others:
Wednnesday says to the group, "hehe"
We stack up in the corner where the cabinet used to be and pull again. WHAT HAPPENS? WIPE! YES, TOTALLY FUCKING SWEET. I consider calling back to my guild hall because I don't even NEED anything from MR. ATREBES TERRIBLE LOOT TABLE.
The group begins to chat again:
Jakonis says to the group, "no difference still pwned by the AoE"
Olara says to the group, "nope no differencei was wrong"
You say to the group, "oh really???"
Olara says to the group, "fuck you dude"
Jakonis says to the group, "whoa now calm down"
You say to the group, "YES!"
Jakonis says to the group, "lets just kill this and part happily"
You say to the group, "do we have to part though? we could do other things greatly!"
Jakonis says to the group, "we don't have to no"
You say to the group, "omg awesome"
PLEASE NOT MY LEVEL OF DISSATISFACTION AND SARCASM has increased at this point in the group.
WE pull a few more times. I lose track of whats going on. I stop giving a shit. I consider CHARGING MR ATREBE to cast DISPATCH on him. We get him to 45% at one point.
OLARA says something about me over voice chat. I don't recall what it was. It was unprovoked however, as far as I am concerned, I reply politely:
You say to the group, "dude"
You say to the group, "will you chill the fuck out"
Jakonis says to the group, "are we killing or fighting?"
Hairball says to the group, "this is Bonkers
"
Jakonis says to the group, "okay we rdy?"
We wipe MORE TIMES. ON one pull I am FACE PWNT across the room and get stuck up in the wall. OLARA SAYS: "HAHA
the brigand is stuck in the wall." SHe says it with a SNEER. FUcking bitch.
WE WIPE AGAIN! FUCK!! DAMNIT WHY DIDN'T I GO LD YET LOL!.
Olara tells us over voice chat that she only has ONE Pull remaining. SHE HAS TO RAID.
OMG check out
OLARA'S incredible GEAR. SHE RAIDS LIKE THIS LOL! THAT IS SO AWESOME.
WE WIPE AGAIN. I get punted into the wall again and Olara lands in the same spot as me.
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD," she yells over voice chat, "THE BRIGAND IS ON TOP OF ME GET HIM OFF"
I've had it:
You say to the group, "you know what you dirty cunt"
You say to the group, "who the fuck do you think you are?"
Hairball says to the group, "?"
You say to the group, "and what the fuck did i do to piss you off so bad?"
"You're not even worth it" she says over voice chat.
You say to the group, "was i not sucking enough to fucking fit in here?"
Hairball says to the group, "R U talking to me ?"
You say to the group, "im talking to olara"
Jakonis says to the group, "no its between ola and posh"
Hairball says to the group, "oh"
You say to the group, "is that it?"
You say to the group, "LETS SEE"
You say to the group, "LETS SEE"
You say to the group, "IM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU ARE"
You say to the group, "lol"
"THATS EXACTLY IT," she says "I hate guys that think they are SOOOO much better than everyone else."
FINALLY, I have determined what is going on! OLARA is a dirty fucking lesbian FEMINIST with a complex (thats very redundant, I know!). PERHAPS olara's problem is that she FUCKING SUCKS DICK AT VIDEO GAMES (i wont hold it against her) and instead of ADMITTING THIS, she has to get all pissed at the BRIGAND who would wipe his fucking ass with her TERRIBLE level 62 master crafted ARMORS!
SO OLARA, In conclusion. I piss on your fucking gear. I know I am better than you. I thought so the whole group, I'm terribly sorry that your girlfriend man-bitch-woman beats you every night when she comes home from the factory she works at. And I am ashamed that a guild would let someone with level 62 gear on a TSO raid.
OLARA has dirty panties and blames it on me
