UNREST TODAY - First Edition Printing

Unresteditor · 02-22-2007, 08:03 PM

Edition 1, Volume 1
Welcome to a very special edition of Unrest Today. The staff here in Florida are joyously working under our new corporate banner and we're ready to bring you all the news you need to know in a fair and objective way. With our new image comes new responsibilities. As we have lost our non-profit status, we feel compelled to change a lot of the familiar content you used to know and love and in some cases, sadly drop altogether. Our coverage on leveling basics can still be requested from the archives via e-mail or fax, but in these new times we have decided on focusing at the big news and issues of the time. Please enjoy this first new issue of Unrest Today.
-Unrest Editor-in-Chief
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>HEADLINE NEWS<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
VAGABONDS DISBANDING - A world cast into chaos
It's old but it's new. The ripples of the Vagabonds finally being moved out of town still reach far down to the most insignificant players. Without their beggars on the streets taking our coins, a new found wealth of gear and knowledge has sprung up throughout the server.
When Mayor Cinadien first passed a resolution against all people too weak to hold their own jobs, the former scourge of Drow was the first to be cleaned up by this new action. Secret police took the once proud gang of Curt Shilling look-a-likes from the night and removed them in complete silence.
A source from Paradigm, who has chosen to remain anonymous said, "He (Shilling) was infamous.... But when it came to the end game, he just couldn't hack it. He had the high powers that be wrapped around his finger and so when it came time to a show of force, by no act of their own, they moved mountains. When he left, there was no one to invoke that power and they crumbled."
Vagabonds, however, had no Game Magic (GM) help. They NEVER once called for knowledge or aid from outside sources. What was different; how did they become weak enough to fall under the removal actions of the Five Rings? Vanguard, the place of exile.
With the announcement this wondrous land to ditch refuse, the administration of Five Rings could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, a way to fulfill their campaign promises.
"Vagabonds suck," said Cinadien when asked about his latest campaign against them, "as does Drow and anyone else that has ever got somewhere before me."
But what about the people that came after?
We took a poll in Antonica of Nameless people and found that Cinadien’s approval rating is plummeting, a record low of 16%. One conjuror remarked, "WHAT THE FUCK ENTITLES YOU TO CALL US A FAMILY GUILD? SCREW YOU, "A-N" (sic) RULES! WHY AM I SHOUTING? EVERYNOE (sic) GO TO HELL!"
Yet, these seemingly pathetic guilds live on. We decided to ask the oldest living person how he has survived so long in this world of turmoil. His name is Methusela, and he is over 900 years old by record, yet he claims his account has over 2000 days.
He said, "We are the superior race! Joo suckors!(sic)"
We asked his translator Tenal what that meant.
"You can’t survive without being part of the superior breed of people. If you don’t overcome the situation, you cannot live through it."
When probed regarding that their great horse was not in fact a member of the superior guild circles, they responded in the same manner Hitler did when faced with the prospect of not being blonde haired and blue eyed, and attacked someone else.
And the guilds before? One up and comer, Revelations, is fast rising on the agro list. We searched for signs of what would be done to remove this filth from the server, but the administration fell into an odd silence that has long been prayed for, but never seen before. We are left with only the echoes of a paladin screaming, "I must protect our l33t skills!"
A representative from Revelations who wished to be known only as "X, the Senior" commented, "We told them to put-up or shut-up. Now they claim their silence was their idea, they have no original ideas! Hell, we invented original ideas!"
That being totally irrelevant to the subject at hand, we asked what he intended to do about whatever plans the administration of Five Rings would use against them.
Rep. X the Sr. said, "I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they have no choice but to admit defeat."
Three days later, he retired, never getting to rub it in as the Pumpkin Headed Horseman died.
Which left us wondering the same questions, if it happened to the Vagabonds, can it happen to us? More importantly, when will it happen?
-Foxxxxxxxxy Skunks
(Staff Reporter, Unrest Today)

Struggles, Striving to Succeed - The race for who is best on server takes its toll
With the dispersing of Vagabonds, a race mounted up to see who would take control of the server. With popular candidates withdrawing; Drow after an incident of recruiting in open chat was exposed, Core just plain sucking and Nightcap falling asleep at contested spawnings, it seemed assured that Five Rings would finally be recognized for the powerhouse it was.
"We had some fears that the silent Enlightened Dark would emerge from the shadows again and take from us what we wanted," said one Five Rings illusionist, grandly conjuring images to distract from the failings of the Rings, "but that just hasn’t happened."
Enlightened Dark was unavailable for comment, it is currently presumed they have choked on their newly forming tongue and died alone atop their high horse.
Paradigm, recouping from their visit at Death’s Door Knocking, showed up in grand splendor to come in with some decent kills to place them in a position still able to catch up, but their cooperation too is dealing with a decline of profits. Recently some executives left the company to fulfill lifelong dreams in the field of charity work.
A local charity outfit called simply "Revelations" has begun taking in homeless Vagabonds, former Drow ruffians and other recently displaced players and given them a chance to become something better.
One former member of the Vagabonds, a halfling that now swashes buckles for a living said, "I thought I already was the best."
Lenavuz, a rather vocal representative of the Revelations charity said, "They are so delusional, we’re the best, and they all suck!"
While evidence is still pouring-in, there is no concrete proof that Paradigm has the strength to surmount the oft idle Five Rings. However, a group of froglok witnesses said, "We’re contractually obligated to admit that Paradigm is the best."
While this continued, the Revelations charity took on a more proactive role in the fate of those they were helping, and stepped up to bat against the Five Rings not-so-stronghold.
The world suddenly stood in shock as this hometown charity suddenly rose to power and stands as the greatest threat to the lifestyle we’ve grown accustomed to under Five Rings rule.
Representative X the Sr. stated, "He (Cinadien) jokes to be the Mayor of Newbville. We are simply proving his jests true. They’re (the administration) a joke. They couldn’t lead the server if everyone else left and they lead only themselves."
Yet with this sudden rise to power, fears grow that the charity will loose its heart for the downtrodden and weaker people.
A Young representative of the guild named Lings recently commented at an open labs raid, "This is for all you little people (that suck,) we’re being so generous to take (you ass hats) with us. Be grateful (bitches.)"
Truly, the Revelations tact and flair for words and feelings of others carries on.
So how did they reach this position of power?
"We started following their (Five Rings) trail of failures. We took the resources so generously granted to us, like other people’s strategies, and just kept going until we finally caught them with (their pants down over a barrel) the Pumpkin Horseman," said one Senior Member bard of Revelations.
"It was hard, watching your hero die. If I died, I know other people would be sad," said a Revelations member, who wishes to be known only as HH to avoid the turmoil that might be caused if the masses ever thought about him dying. "They just kept failing, and failing, and I respected them. But we’re a charity and we had to help them out, so we killed the bastard that was tormenting them."
And when someone saves your life, you owe them yours.
"WORSHIP US, BITCHES!" begs a Grieving Pious Revelations member on every forum he can find or make.
G.P.R’s sentiments are reflected throughout the ranks, even to the last of their shadow knights who speaks for the guild when he says, "Look at me Daddy! Look at me, I’m big and strong and important! Mommy please love me! Everyone in Unrest I beg you look at me, we’re the greatest!"
-Tsuf Usuck
(Special Assignment, APoU Correspondent)

Unresteditor · 02-22-2007, 08:04 PM

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>RELIGION<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Slow News Day Blues - What can we bitch about now?
Live Update 32, like a thief in the night, nobody knows when it’s coming, but the religious among us known it is coming and it will be glorious.
"They promise to bring fixes to bugs and glitches, they will restore the zones once promised to us and they shall come with new adornments and tradeskills to the faithful amongst us," reads the patch notes, widely regarded as the holy text of the Game Magic gods.
Yet, on this slow news day, some people must find a reason to piss and moan.
"They are still nerfing something!"
With magnifying glass in hand we searched to find that indeed, the text included a 2% per level to the mystic run speed decrease.
To the zealots, Armageddon is fast upon us.
Yet some disagree, a local branch of rangers said in a press release, "Fucking grow up, we’ve seen worse, this too shall pass and people will love you again. It’s not like they’re nerfing your wards."
The retort came, "What’s the best way to heal a range.... Loading Please Wait."
While we do not get it, we can only assume that either they or the person that was reading has zoned and the punch line will be available by the next issue.
Yet the greater majority tends to agree with the rangers, mostly because the greater majority is atheistic and says, "There is no GM. They never answer my petitions personally so they must not exist." If this is true, then the whole world should stop worrying about eternal damnation in the next coming Live Update.

>>>>>>>>>>>CLASSIFIEDS<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ADVISE<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
This editions special guest advise editor is a Nightcap Officer that wishes to go by his initials, MD. Nightcap is a show that airs on late night movie channels that shows adult sexual relationships so it only seems fitting that this first edition should feature their finest - expert.
Dear Dr. Nightcap,
I’m a 70 ranger wood elf, and I’m looking for a good man to tap my ass all night long. Yet, I can’t find anyone to do this for me. I don’t understand, I think I’m extremely good looking. I have a good job harvesting Pumpkins and I still give back to the community with our charity work. Why doesn’t anyone aside from my co-workers like me? Please help, The Vuz
Dear The Vuz,
Maybe you only think you’re good looking. Maybe your co-workers only pretend to like you which makes more sense than only a select group of people not hating you. Perhaps the biggest problem is that for many normal people, it’s hard to determine exactly what a wood elf is looking for. Or maybe you just beg for attention too much. As Thomas Hardy once said, "A man’s silence is wonderful to listen to."

Dear Dr. Nightcap,
People make fun of me because my name, when pronounced, sounds like a certain male bodily fluid. What should I do? Palofleg
Dear Palofleg,
Change your damn name. It’s that freaking simple. In my experience, a poor name isn’t the only factor for being made fun of. Take, for example, a man named Phallus. If he were quick of thought, he would turn it into an asset and introduce himself as the "Greatest Phallus." His charisma would shine through a poor name. Maybe people don’t like you as a person, and not because of your name. My strongest advise for you would be, just shut up and then people won’t notice you as a target for them to pick on.
Dear Dr. Nightcap,
Why does it always feel like I’m in second place? The guy that was ahead of me gives up and at the exact moment another person passes me. When is it my turn to feel like a winner. Thanxs, S6
Dear S6,
Your turn comes when you stop sucking. I think the Vagabonds speech as they were escorted from the server rings so true in that no one here really has a worldwide victory. If you’re best, it’s like coming in first at the Special Olympics, you’re still retarded or ugly, either way no one watches it on TV. If you really don’t want to be passed, think of the turtle and rabbit story, stop showboating and napping while those that work steady suddenly "sneak up from behind and win."
Dear Dr. Nightcap,
I am the co-leader of a local charity and we are having problems with people acknowledging the work we do. Why else do charity work if people don’t acknowledge how great you are for doing it? I’ve tried a lot of things and yet some people are just too pig-headed to admit how awesome we are. What do you recommend? -TraMel
Dear TraMel,
Thank you very much for your letter. I have spent a lot of time and thought regarding your issue and after talking with a lot of people, I’ve come to what I believe is a comprehensive and reasonable answer.
Shut up.
It’s not about what he said or she said. It isn’t about who started it, or what they did in the past. It isn’t about how great you are.
If you’re the best, your actions truly show it. How about when Vagabonds despawned the Matron so that it might not be glitched into victory rather than take it for themselves? When Paradigm overcame underhanded tactics and rose to server first? When Legacy died and revived itself with new members and gave its players a renewed chance at fun in the game.
Watching from aloft, a person without convictions and moral integrity is lowlife and scum with essence enough to deprive the world of oxygen and other natural resources then die. A gamer is a person too. A gamer without any sense of right and wrong is a person without any sense of right and wrong.
These are the kind of people that intentionally bug encounters, threaten and mock in public, lag zones, spy into private channels, and do things to get ahead other than actually working to make themselves better to get ahead. I don’t care if they started it, do it worse than to you, whatever excuse you want to give yourself. It all comes back to you to just speak your peace and be done with the situation. If you feel you cannot fully speak it, actions speak louder than words.
Those people are called jerks, assholes and other such names. They see themselves as a stronger predator in a extremist view of survival of the fittest, justifying themselves with words of lackluster and hollow meaning. In truth, they are just bad people.
While this seems like I’m driving a tangent point home, it alludes back to this: doing charity work isn’t about recognition, it’s about helping those less fortunate. If it’s about recognition, you’ve failed to truly do charity to anyone but yourself, and that makes you a bad person.
Speaking in hypothetical, it can only be assumed that you’re a bad person because you were wrong by another bad person. Leave them alone or you rise only in level of guilt from being guilty.
A friend, from Legacy as if it matters, once told me, without offense aimed to the gay community, "If being stupid were like being gay, talking in 60 chat would be like coming out of the closet, and blasting people in forums would be like lacing up ruby slippers and marching in the parade. You’re here, you’re stupid, we’re used to it now just shut-up."

Ily · 02-22-2007, 08:07 PM

holy shit alot of that made me laugh.
thanks, i needed it.

Thelounge · 02-22-2007, 08:11 PM

feels like I am still on the server

P good to know not much changes...

Unresteditor · 02-22-2007, 08:20 PM

More editions to come. With our change of office, we've had problems with the e-mail system. A good friend is allowing us temporary use of her account but we'll need some time to fully transfer. This thread will be monitored for those trying to contact us. Thanks muchly,

Tsuf Ihateu -Unrest Today PR Officer